| again, i feel the need to vent out some feelings... |
[Sep. 30th, 2006|12:17 am] |
well, where do i begin???
i started university this week- and have come home already!after 7days, its not exactly great, so far iv had my freshers week which has been such a let down, along with my housemates-im sharing a my halls with 6other girls, all of whom i feel im quite different from- or rather arent my type of people. i like a couple, im just finding it quite overwhelming been in this situation, that and the fact that i havent met anyone from my course, so im praying il find lots of nice people who i click with then.
it got off to a good start-but now, lookin back im not sure it did. i think iv been burying the fact that i realllly am very depressed- and have noticed it alot more recently-been quite evident. i feel as though iv been walking around with a big black cloud over my head for the last 2years, and its slowly getting worse,- really effecting my personality, or now, lack of. im actually realising that me feeling like this has nothing to do with my parents recent situation but one of my own- that i cant even define, i duno why i feel like this. i think me getting wrapped up in my parents situation was a way for me to hide from my own feelings, but at the same time still feel just as down. was just blaming something else.
so the first night my sister stayed the night, and we went out and i got very very drunk (something i do if im very down- the worst time this happened was when i went to barcelona, got realllllly down and drunk and ended up losing my virginity to a man i met the previous day...he was 27- where at the time, i thought that was fine and i dont regret it but i do know that thats not really normal and also very unlike me to do so.) so anyways, the same thing happened again here... we went to a club, i was off my face and decided to tell this reallly good looking man how goodlooking he was, we began drunkenly chatting, then i began to say things that i would never actually say to anyone- think the vodka was talking, about how id love to be with him (another needy sign of mine in these situations) so anyways he took my number and said he'd ring me the next day- to meet up. at the time i loved the fact that i could see him again. so then saturday comes along and my sister has now gone home and im all alone, and feeling quite lonely. i then get a voice mail message from him sayign that he'd love to see me again.- which at the time, i was quite happy to do so, because it meant i wouldnt have to be alone. i wasnt really gelling with my housemates either. so i arranged to meet him in a club. see, in this situation, i wasnt even drunk, i was quite prepared for what i was letting myself in for, its just now, i can see it from a completely different light. anyways, i met him, downed a couple of double vodkas and we went back to his hotel where one thing turned into another.... now i feel really not used as such but say when this happened in barcelona, its as if i go through a mourning phase, i feel like iv lost something, or someones just died. its horrible. but anyways, i can only blame myself, i just dont think its normal to get into these situations, i feel like its my way of running from my own problems, and been quite needy,- or promiscious, which really isnt like me. im not at all fussed about boys/men, even though i do or i would prefer to date a man- late 20s early 30s,- dont ask me why, i just prefer them.- again, is that normal??? though the man from the other night was only 23, thats 4years older which isnt that much is it. oh and another thing, theres probably a chance of me been pregnant, so wel done me....shit, how depressing. i feel quite sick about that.
lastnight was another horrible night for me, i met up with a boy i used to go out with who also goes to uni in the same city, - just because i was feeling low and wanted to see a familiar face (this boy still reallllly likes me, and iv completely led him on to thinkin somthing might happen again, feeel really bad about that,- i did it out of pure selfishness, i didnt want to sleep on my own and i knew that i wouldnt be able to having not eating all day long) so i met up with him, felt really down and told him about that guy from the other night, all he said was that ' ibet he thought u were a let down'- as in, in bed. that made me feel reallly crap about myself because hes probs right, he also said he was worried cos that guy took advantage ect, but then i got myself in to that situation sooo is it my fault?- im really confused about what that means. erm, so back to lastnight, i went out, had about 5 double vodkas again, - couldnt really feel the effect, more the fact that i was tired and felt down, then we went to a tequila bar where i had about 3 shots of that, some sambuca or what ever its called, and then, this is quite horrible to think back to- i went out to use the phone,- this bar was in an old factory, with railings and stairs, and lonng way down-eg i was on the phone, leanin by the wall and all of a sudden i was so aware of wanting to kill myself.- how i could so easily just jump over the railings and smack the floor, then id never hav to think like this again., but i didnt and the staff told me to get out of there. but then the same thing happened again,- we were walking to get a taxi, i was following some boys up ahead of us, then crossed this really busy road when i think i was still thinking how easily i could die, i just ran across it,- causing the car to break reallly hard and shout abuse at me. at the time i thought i was miles away, until my ex bf was like- omg i thought u were gona die, but again, at the time i was like' no i wasnt blah blah blah'. it was only this morning when i woke up and actually wanted to cry, i do now thinkin of it because me geting into these stupid situations makes me realise that i could probably kill myself when like that.- i dont want to but deep down, somewhere in my mind i really do. iv had these thoughts for quite a while- i did find it quite comforting to know that if ever i got really bad i knew i could always escape...just a few pills away kinda thing. but now, i just feel what a depressing way to think, its horrible. i really find it upsetting that i think this way- i hanvt a clue when it got so bad. the longer i leave it the worse itl get.
part of me feels that when i do that, its like im punnishin my body, for been soo disgusting- i hate waht i see in the mirror, and already think the girls in my flat think im a wierdo with what i eat.- i have really strange eating habits and cravings.
oh i duno, i just feel like iv been walking around with a reallly big black cloud over my head, and i want it to go away.
iv hardly eaten a thing this week- a few peas in gravy for dinner, a couple of cups of soup, some salad etc.- odd slice of browm bread, and the occasional portion of chips iv eating after going out- the other night, i was so drunk, i actually purged them in the staff toilets,- i mean what am i doing>???!!! you dont do that! iv also been waking up still feeling drunk. iv been drinking to the extremes, woke up this morning feeling dizzy and drunk still and started crying. i realised i cant go on acting like this everytime i feel down, there must be an under lining problem, thhat or the fact that i suffer from depression?? or am just another sad pathetic girl.
oh and one last thing, i find that iv lost all of my personality, im just numb, really really numb. my insides are empty of life.i cant be bothered to sound enthusiastic, i constantly sound as though im lying when telling people where im going or who im seeing beacuse i say it with such a lack of enthusiasm. how embarrassing. and also, i cant even be bothered to make new friends, obviously i want to but i find myself agreeing with whatever anyones saying, even if i dont!- though think a few people do that in new situations. i just feel like im such a boring person. sometimes i put on an act,-a confident act, then other times i go soo reserved, shy and the rest of it that its like a split personality. i just dont know who i am ,whether that this is actually my personality and that i am actually really boring, or that its all linked into me feeling soo depressed all the time. i also have a lot of anger in me. constantly have dreams about screaming abuse at people- at the mo its my aunt,- ever since mum n dad have separated my aunt refuses to talk to her-mums her sister and is reallly upset by this, obviously which makes me really upset for her. so what im not showing on the outside is been shown through dreams, or vodka.
god pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee help me. |
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